When you forgive, you love.

On the stereo, listen as we go, nothing's gonna stop me now.

2008-05-13T22:29:39Z

Why do I want to live in the city so badly? Because I hate this feeling of entrapment that comes with the suburbs. Living in Columbia for the past 9 months has been great because I can WALK to do things. I'm at my own mercy. I don't have to depend on a car. Things are right at my fingertips. I was my own person. I was free to do what I wanted, when I wanted it. It's like last summer when I roadtripped to SC by myself. It was so strange because every thing I did like eat, take a detour, change the radio station, was because I wanted to. I made every decision. It was weird then, but it's so commonplace now. Except now I'm back home, and can't do that anymore. Anyhow, I don't think it's the city so much that matters, but the convenience that I like. That I can hop on a metro, or walk a few blocks, and do whatever I want. Sounds like perfection. Someday, maybe?

Last night I had a little taste of that life. Drove to senior showcase, got in for free since I offered to serve desserts at intermission (a piece of cake- pun intended). Saw tons of people that I've missed and love. It was almost like a girls night, too, at our table. I felt beloved and hot because of all my guy friends that I miss so much. It was just fab. Then SJ and I went to Starbucks, had some great conversation. Then Kruyne texted me and we hung out until like 2:30, just driving around the county, investigating sinkholes and the Wendy's drivethru, then watching Bourne Supremacy. It felt like a college night...but better because it was a Monday. Haha.

Here's a health, Carolina!

2008-05-13T22:28:53Z

Over the past two days I've been rummaging through my room, purging all the clothes and other things that I don't want. I've packed up dozens of pairs of shoes into bags, and thrown old jeans and tops into trash bags. I'm really trying to thin out the mess in my life, but it's not as easy as throwing away things. I need to throw away the bad feelings that are left after this boy debacle that happened at the end of this semester. But I just can't do it. I don't know how. It seems like more and more these days, all I want is a BOY. School has ended, and I'm away from all of the people that have helped me through these slumps, but now that I'm on my own, it's going to be tough. And friends aren't just a few floors away. I have to DRIVE to get there. A pain in my ass, that is.

Tonight I watched 27 Dresses, again. I cried. I haven't cried at a movie in so long. Hell, I haven't cried in so long. Being at school, and constantly being around people, I just didn't have the ability to cry that outwardly. But home, in my bed, watching my tv, I cried. Instantly I felt a relief. I feel like maybe there are a lot of tears built up over this year. By no means was this a bad school year, I just used to be a crier, and now I'm not. Crying used to be my relief for stress and frustration and annoyance at people. I don't know what I've been doing over the past 9 months instead of this, but whatever it was probably wasn't as therapeutic.

All that being said, Carolina was amazing this semester. In the fall, I had my doubts, but I really made it my own. I love it there. I couldn't imagine going to school anywhere else. Freshman year I did so many firsts (not like that, eesh!) and made so many memories. Going to school out of state was the best decision I ever made. And now when I'm going about town, I can just feel this change in me. I've never been more independent, and confident. I LOVE IT. I love my Carolina Girl status.

Closing time...you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

2008-04-28T18:25:31Z

My day was awesome and this is why:

Pancake breakfast with my girls.
Spring Game and eyeing Succop the entire time.
Leaving at the half, and the walk back not being nearly as awful as I remember.
Super Sonice burgers and Lemon-berry Slushes!
Lunching at RH and shopping for boys.
Baseball game and the wall!
The same wall boys. VB!!
Leaving to get ready for tonight.
Getting a ride to Capstone with Mr. Bama.
Quick shower.
Starbucks and Cocktails.
Jen was amazing!
Getting ready for semi-formal.
Walking in Mer's room to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
Cute shoes, cute dresses, cute us!
SEMI FORMAL.
Thriller and I'm Too Sexy.
Seeing our priest...drunk...and dancing. Haha.
Singing "Aww skeet skeet motherfucka" at the top of our lungs in the CATHOLIC center.
Cookies and punch and Barbie Girl.
"I KNOW WHO I WANT TO TAKE ME HOME!"

And now for sleep.

Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair...

2008-04-04T18:45:11Z

I knew that going to school far away would create an even bigger void between me and my friends back home. I have an entirely different life, and just like every time I move and re-establish myself, I'm incredibly proud of what I've made. But this break, coming home has felt funny. There are only a few people I actually want to see, that I've made an effort to hang out with. I've been to the school three times, each for actual business (requesting letters of reference, retrieving Girl Scout cookies ) but going into that building makes me sick and I never wanted to be one of those college kids that comes back to their HS all the time. I hate that building, and most of all now, I hate high schoolers.

At college I essentially live in a bubble. There are few people over 22 on campus (save professors) and NO children running around (unless you count us freshmen). Real life wouldn't be so bad if I weren't in this stupid town any more. The suburbs get me down. You can't walk anywhere, you have to drive, and while I like driving, I hate the hassle of traffic and parking and organizing all my shit into the car. Plus it's not exercise.

I also hate this house. It's huge and cluttered full of shit and appliances that don't work properly.

I can't wait to graduate early and move to a real apartment and get a real job and have a REAL life. Maybe then the high schools won't be so annoying, because I'll be so far removed from that. Right now, it's just that I refuse to believe I was the same way in HS.

Still dreaming of San Francisco....

Oh take me back to the start...

2008-04-04T18:44:09Z

According to the entire world, it will be a while until I have a good relationship because I am too stable and independent. Since when have good qualities meant undatable? I'm SO sick of this.

I was reading this article and it was asking if your ideal man needed his space, or is he "relationship-ready?" WHAT. That is such crap, it's not even funny. Like once someone enters a relationship, they aren't allowed any alone time, no down time, it's always 100% US. Since when has that ever been the case in BASIC HUMANITY? Hmmm?

So, for now at least in college, guys need to feel needed, and since I don't need one, but simply WANT one, I'm screwed based on my maturity level and basic life skills. Awesome.

My Leap Day - An Alternate Reality

2008-04-04T18:43:20Z

I had an entry started where I was simply whining again about my relationship woes, but tonight something cool happened.

Meredith, Stephanie and I went to the minor league hockey game, and it was very fun, but I had to leave a bit early for movie night for Michelle's birthday. Matt called when he was on his way, and I said I'd meet him on Greene St, so I left the Coliseum and started looking around for his car.

I was waiting on some steps when a group of older guys walked by. They weren't sketchy or anything, probably 30-something. I really didn't focus on whether they were cute or not. They just seemed like some guys that were out having a good time. One of the guys asked me as they walked by how I was tonight, and I said good. He and the rest of the guys were talking about where they were going to go next and I guess they decided on a bar, called Durkins. And then another walked by with his fist out, and he asked me to pound it. Then he asked if I wanted to come to Durkins with them, and I said "what is that" and he just laughed. And then he started in on a conversation with me.

I told him that I had other things to do tonight anyhow, that I was celebrating a friend's birthday. And then he asked if their birthday was today, since it's Leap Day. So we talked about that a bit. Then he goes on to say that he's married, but all his friends are single and I should come along. Maybe he thought I was making up the plans thing, but then my phone rang and he said "guess that's your friend" and I told him to have fun, and he said likewise, and then we said goodbye. It was cute.

But the moral of the story is, I got hit on by a married man.

Phew.

2008-02-20T14:31:14Z

So I just crossposted and back dated like 10 journal entries that I had neglected to put on LJ from my xanga. But they're there now.

Today I leave for DC.

Today I leave for the Spice Girls.

Today I leave to see my best friend.

I have butterflies.

1234 take the elevator to the Hotel Yorba I'll be glad to see ya later...

2008-02-20T14:30:03Z

Last night:

Coloring with Meredith.
PLACT.
We must protect this house!
Messed up UnderArmour logos.
Thinking Sam was Keith.
I Will Survive.
Keith bursting in the room while blasting I Will Survive.
Walk to Brian's.
Yelling at Calvin.
Being at Brian's for two second before deciding to go to Starbucks.
Michelle, Heather and I leaving.
Throwing Valentines candy hearts at boys.
"Hello baby!!"
Passion Ice Tea Lemonade.
Hanging with Jason and eating his cheesecake.
Symbolic art = 7 lids.
Ice fights with an RA.
Frolicking on the horseshoe.
Running like we're horses in Monty Python.
"There's a cop. And there's the tree I want to climb."
Attempting to climb trees.
Back to Brian's to go back to my room to get my camera.
Singing in the elevator.
Upstairs for a dance party.
Dancedancedance.
Planning the Relay for Life fundraiser.
And founding our A Capella group.
Learning how to Harlem Shake.
Sam banging on the wall.
Don't Stop Believing.
Up to Floor 13 to get controllers.
Eric being exactly like Keith. Haha.
FINALLY getting on the elevator.
Going down to one, and back up to 16 so we can pick a song to sing.
Back down.
Up to 14.
Still no good song.
Walk back to the Horseshoe.
Running into Kelsey and Nicole on the way.
TREE CLIMBING PHOTOSHOOT!!
The boys arrive.
More trees and pictures.
Learning how to heel-click.
Making instructional videos.
FINALLY making it back to Brian's after like two hours.
Toy Story!!
"Hi, I'm Woody. Howdy, howdy, howdy."
Andy will be gay.

And then back to Capstone.
Fun, fun night.

Don't Get Hung Up

2008-02-20T14:29:19Z

I tell myself that alot. I always seem to get caught in a small detail of my life, and tonight, even though I had a great night, that's happening. I have some great friends here. Like Meredith, Keith, Brian, Michelle, Katie, Matt, Steph, Jenn, the girls on the hall, Jason, Kelsey, Nicole, the design staff, some CP-ers. It's really a good life, with lots of great people that I'm so happy to have met. But I still really really want one thing, and it frustrates the crap out of me. I just want a boy. I WANT A BOY. I said it, there, and it's so frustrating. I try hard to be happy for the people around me, and I am for the most part, but it makes me think, "why not me?" I don't have the energy, nor the type of personality to gripe on this for long, but it's on my mind. A lot.

A Perfect Day

2008-02-20T14:28:10Z

I've been trying my best recently to let go of bad things, and truly embrace the good. It's been hard today, though I really shouldn't be upset. Actually, I'm not upset, per se, but I'm left a little confused. Today while rushing from Journalism to her Art History class, I asked Jen what the deal was with Kappa Rush, which was now a week ago. She just said that she was 'heated' about it and she'd tell me later since she had class. I kind of wish I hadn't asked her then because now this is hanging over my head all day. Perhaps now that I've written it down it will go away. I just don't understand why Kappa would have COB Rush and not take people, so I'm left wondering what the deal is, I guess I'll have to wait a little longer.

I'm currently in my room jamming to my awesome "playlist in two acts" that I made last fall. Today has been good despite that first rant. I got up early so I could shower, since I knew I wouldn't be working out today (and therefore getting disgusting). So I got ready, then me and Jen left for JOUR 364. We were late, like always, but I wasn't freaking out as much as I normally am.

After class (and the above incident) I went to sit in the Coliseum lobby to wait for advisement, which I had at 9:30 with Lauren. I went in there and switched my major first (I'm officially a Visual Communications major!) and then we discussed classes for next semester. This advisement went so much better than last semesters. I guess that's because I'm pretty positive that this is what I want to do: journalism. Design, to be more specific. I finally felt like I could talk to her.

Today was actually one of those days where it really hits me that I'm in COLLEGE. That fact still weirds me out sometimes.

So after advisement I had JOUR 202 and we just held a mock press conference and were assigned to write a story on it. I convinced Brian to come with Meredith and I to IHOP for FREE PANCAKES. He skipped Econ to come, and I'm glad he did. I was supposed to take pictures for the Gamecock of free pancake day, and he wanted to help, so I did some and he took some. It worked out. We got our food and Diet Cokes [:)] and took some pictures, then walked back to our dorms. I walked slowly, without really a goal, just kind of aimless walking, and I took some pictures on the horseshoe. Now I'm in my room. I think the pictures will turn out okay, some are really good and I feel like they tell a story. At least I hope they do. Plus this means more of my work in The Daily Gamecock!! Which is always a good thing.

I wish this Kappa thing weren't weighing on my mind. I talked to my mom earlier, after I switched my major, and she said if I didn't get a bid, it's probably because I'll need that time to do something more fun. Haha.

Anyhow, my title "the perfect day" is in reference to a feeling I had this morning. I walked into journalism 202, not gross for once (since I normally work out right before this class since it's near the gym) and I had coffee in one hand, and the NY Times crossword in the other. I could just picture myself sitting somewhere in NYC, drinking coffee and doing the puzzles, and taking a break from work, or right before work. It just seemed so...peaceful.

And that's my day so far. I have Art History at 3:30, then I have to go into the paper to give them my pictures. Then the rest of the day is mine. I should read for English, also.

One week and one day until I go home for the weekend!

Here's the deal

2008-02-20T14:27:12Z

Despite my lack of school work today, it's been a very productive day. Kind of like the ideal way to live. I woke up at 9:10 at an angry alarm. Well, I guess the alarm wasn't the angry one, but I for one was not happy. Last night was torturous.

I was anticipating the busy day today, one where I had two classes, straight to work, then straight to the paper, nonstop from 11 to 10pm. Needless to say, I tried to go to bed by 12:30, only to learn that Jill has a friend spending the night. She didn't even inform me of this, and if she had I would have at least been able to tell her that I had a busy day coming and I would appreciate it if they could wind it down and go to sleep, or go talk somewhere else. But she didn't and the whole thing was a total surprise. I spent a good half hour being mad, calling friends to bitch, etc. I hadn't even read my anthro or english assignments. So they don't go to bed until 1:40. When I yelled at them to. I really hate being that kind of person, but honestly, this was just plain rude.

So when I woke up this morning, I contemplated skipping my classes, and decided I could just sleep until noon, then get up, shower and go to work. And this is what I did. Work was great. It was the busiest I had even seen the place (while working that is), and I learned how to make Frappuccinos. They really aren't that difficult, but I there were only three people working, and one had to be at frapps, one at hot bar and one at register. Total chaos at times. But Dana said something to me that calm me down, just take my time, the customer will wait. I definitely earned my wages this week. And honestly, it was exhilarating working that quickly. Plus I learned ALOT in a short period of time. It also turned out that I went home an hour early, so I had a quick nice break inbetween that and the Daily Gamecock.

I went to DG and was assigned to work on the sports page with Keryn. She was on painkillers and I was a little loopy from being tired. But that place honestly feels like home. People get my jokes, and are quick to talk to you. It's amazing how even though we're all under deadlines, there is a very low stress level. I guess it's because the work is divvied up into very manageable portions. It's only an 8 page paper, and two of those are normally full page ads. Anyhow, we were out of there by 8:30, then I went and got dinner.

And now I'm here, doing my journalism homework, which is to write lead paragraphs. Tomorrow I'm rushing Kappa Kappa Gamma, so we'll see how that goes. I'm a little nervous, mostly because I'm getting sick, and I'm very tired and might not be up for the whole social thing tomorrow. We shall see. Also tomorrow I find out if I made Cocktails! Wish me luck.

You know how you have to eat a sloppy joe upside down in order for it to not fall apart? That's kind of like my life - I have to be upside down and so busy and stressed in order to feel like I'm actually doing something. I'm actually more composed when I've been turned upside down. If that makes any sense at all.

The good, the bad, the rest.

2008-02-20T14:26:09Z

Today was good. I will say that as a fact. It was a good day. But despite my general approval of the day's events, there are some things that are stinging. Darn my PMS.

Last night and today have been really good roommate wise. We actually had a conversation yesterday and we watched Sex and the City together this afternoon. I think we've finally fully adjusted to having to live with another person. It's been good.

Due to aforementioned circumstances, I am totally craving chocolate, and shopping apparently. I ordered a dress online yesterday, or rather Friday morning. I tried to order it late on Thursday, but the order wouldn't go through. I tried twice that night, and though the actual order didn't work, it charged my debit card twice last night, and once today for the ACTUAL order. I'm pissssssed. I emailed Forever21 to inform them. I wrote a nice, polite email explaining exactly what happened, and I realize it's the weekend, but I really wish they would flipping write back so I can get my $62 back. So that's stressing me.

Secondly a certain friend is driving me OFF the wall. They don't go to USC, which is good, so I don't have to deal with them firsthand, but she is driving me nuts, honestly. Everything I say to her that's just an offhand comment, she has to use as an opportunity to make some obscure, snobby and know-it-all remark. Like on facebook I updated my status saying "it takes 7 days to break a habit, it takes 7 days to break a habit, it takes 7 days to break a habit" and she writes on my wall that no, in fact, it takes 21 repetitions to break a habit, so unless I do/don't do that thing 3 times a day, it'll take 21 days. I have several problems with this. First of all, I truly am struggling to break a habit. It was my new year's resolution to get rid of this hair pulling problem I have, and it's REALLY hard. Second of all, I don't need to hear at every passing chance that she knows something I don't know/I'm wrong.

Anyhow, tonight was, in fact, good. Jill left around 3 and won't be back until Saturday night, so I have the room to myself for a bit. Meredith and I went to see Ratatouille, which was ADORABLE. I loved it. Plus before the movie started, we were talking, and this cute guy sitting across the row starting talking to us. Too bad he left during the movie, because I was so ready to flirt with him. I don't know why (hormones probably) but I was really feeling up for that tonight. I think it might also have to do with the fact that my hair looks really good. Like really. So that was fun, and we got ice cream and coffee afterwards.

I had to finalize some plans with Keith and Brian, since tonight we were supposed to finish Indiana Jones night. Turns out that Brian wanted to go to the Obama rally in town, so we'd either have to start late, or just watch without him, which kind of sucked. But Keith was being a whiny bitch, so we watched without Brian. Ugh, Keith was just so obnoxious tonight!!!! I don't even want to think about it. When we left Katie's house to ride home with Brian, we both yelled shotgun at the same time, so I ran to the front door, and beat him. Then he fucking STOLE my purse, ran down the road and put it in somebody's yard. So I had to run and get my purse out of the fucking wet grass, then sit in the back of the car. I was so pissed, just because Keith was acting like an asshole. And I made it a point to tell him so.

Now see, I kind of pride myself on not getting pissed off too much and being pretty happy-go-lucky, but this is the first time I've yelled at somebody at school. Sometimes I think I don't have the right to be angry, or sad, and I pent it up, but tonight I just had to let it out. It felt justified. We apologized to each other after about 20 minutes, but still, I hope that it had some effect on him, and that he'll try to be nicer. Part of me thinks that maybe he's trying to keep some distance, since he has that girlfriend and all. And he distances himself by having those asshole moments every so often.

On the other hand, I think I must admit that I'm starting to like Brian. I like that we have a small class together and that we get to see each other on a regular basis. He's a really cool guy, with good taste in music and movies, and really intelligent. Mostly, I'm just glad that we're getting closer. Plus I'm trying to get over you-know-who. Unfortunately, Brian got a speeding ticket on the way home from Katie's house. That sucks.

Now I'm back home, obviously, and the boys next door are playing Rock Band. It's quite annoying, and though I'm not going to sleep quite yet, I'm tempted to go over there and say something if the loudness persists.

ALSO, flipping VIP isn't working, so I can't apply for housing, which I need as backup just in case I don't get the RA job.

Here are some blurbs that are going on in my life:

Yes, I applied to be an RA.
I hope me and Meredith go to work out tomorrow.
I miss hanging with my cousin, but every time I text her, I feel like she's busy or working.
But I can't go shopping anyway since I'm out $62 for no good reason.
I got a job at the campus Starbucks and I really like it. The people are great, the work isn't bad, and I like the feeling of responsibility.
I'm loving my classes this semester, especially my journalism ones.
I made a short video the other night because I miss editing videos. It was just two clips set to some music, but I was desperate, so I made it anyway.
I'm almost done with season 4 of Sex and the City. Can't wait to finally know what happens!
I'm in a movie and movie poster shopping mood, as well as a movie watching mood. But the latter is only true of going OUT to movies.
Sunday I have my first design workshop for The Daily Gamecock. I'm excited to start learning something practical for my future profession.
Also, this week is auditions for Cocktails - Jen's a capella group.
In two weeks I'm rushing Kappa Kappa Gamma - which is Jen's sorority. I hope I get both of those things. Also I hope that I'm feeling particularly social those nights...
Ooh, today Barak Obama was in my DORM. I didn't go to see him, but I had some perfect timing when I went down to get lunch, he was just exiting through the crowd, so I got to see him. I'm not really into Obama but it was cool.

Um, I think that's all.

Back on the ranch...

2008-02-20T14:25:28Z

I didn't think I'd be happy here after break, since so much went awry (BFF not coming here, general angst), but honestly, it felt like coming home. I really like all my classes, and I feel like people have calmed down a bit. I like the cold, and wearing cute coats. And I'm actually excited to get involved. I have a JOB and I really like being this busy.

So yay.

Timeline of Monday January 7, 2008

2008-02-20T14:24:25Z

11:00am - Alarm goes off, after I grabbed it off my bookshelf in anticipation of alarm.
11:14am - Contemplate showering before leaving for the day. Decide against it, and continue browsing the internet.
11:48am - Realize that all possibility of a shower is moot, and decide to get dressed.
12:05pm - Go downstairs to find that dad is gone. I leave him a post it that reads "Off to lunch then getting gas with BP card". I leave.
12:22pm - Arrive at Panera on 234. Pop in to see if Erin is there yet. Wait for about 10 minutes. She arrives.
12:40pm - We have our food. Great conversation ensues, we talk about everything.
2:30pm - Decide to go to Starbucks. Order a frapp and we sit outside for another hour talking about more and more everything. We have quite a lot in common. I sure know how to pick best friends.
3:16pm - I missed a call from the Russell House bookstore. There's a message about scheduling an interview.
3:35pm - I return the aforementioned missed call and arrange an interview for next Monday @ 3pm. I can't believe I might actually GET A JOB. This is weird. We part ways and I decide to drive to the school.
4:13pm - I leave the school after seeing a bit of chaotic drama rehearsal, exchanging laughs with Christina, Cathy, Mariah, Adrienne and Jenn herself. Off to get some gas and a car wash.
4:30pm - Driving home from carwash. Get mail. After pulling into the driveway and getting out I realize that my car is STILL just as dirty as it was. Am upset. Go inside and grab a bucket and brush, fill the bucket with water and go outside to scrub my horrendous car. It was disgusting.
4:48pm - Call Sarah Reid. I got her check for concert tickets in the mail, as well as the second part of her birthday present. I call to see what she's doing next semester. I thought maybe she was working. But alas, she's going to Trinity. And she seemed really happy. I try to sound supportive, and I am, but I'm also jealous that her and Caryn are going to go to school together. But we still have a nice chat. She leaves to go eat a sandwich. Haha.
6:15pm - I buy a plane ticket from United for coming back to DC for the Spice Girls concert. It was $287. Twice as much as the train would be, but I think it was worth the peace of mind.
7:30pm - Decide that dinner must be ready, only to go downstairs and find out it isn't even STARTED. Needless to say, that was quite a rigmarole. I ended up getting a decent dinner, but I didn't think I'd have to sing for my supper tonight.

Now I just finished playing an hour of Home Sweet Home and I'm (FINALLY) chatting with Sarah online.

As break comes to a close (for some)...

2008-02-20T14:23:21Z

A Poem

We slowly, softly, sweetly careen
Back into the land of Philistines.
Where conversations go unheard.
And people seldom speak a one dollar word.
Shouting "we can't wait, we can't wait."

The thought isn't so shocking, but the occurrence of the thought is.

2008-02-20T14:22:21Z

So today I went to bed around 9pm; I'm so wiped out from today, and probably a bit from yesterday. I get out of bed and to go pee, and a thought pops into my head. I just can't seem to shake it. Here's a little preface.

There have been some things about USC that I don't like. One of them would be the weather. I really miss the COLD. Although, sometimes it's nice to have 75 degree December days - I really am not a Southern girl.

I don't really like the city of Columbia. USC may be the central focus of the town, but that's exactly the problem - besides USC there really isn't too much there. It's not a hip college town. And I'm really into hip towns.

Thirdly, the people. I assume that most colleges have alcohol use widespread on campus, but sometimes when I walk around ALL I hear about is this party, or that mixer, or "omg I shouldn't have hooked up with that Sig-Ep boy". And frankly, I'm tired of it. I feel like there isn't much substance at the school. I realized at the GEMS dinner a couple weeks ago, that I haven't had a real conversation in SO long.

And also, I feel so far away. I feel disconnected.

The thing about USC is I can't stop focusing on the negatives. There hasn't been anything to convince me that I LOVE it yet. I'm definitely going to give it another semester, but we'll have to see.

And where would I transfer to? That's the thing, that's the thought that popped into my head. I kind of want to go to UVA. There I said it.

Love and Hate

2008-02-20T14:21:23Z

I love:

That my parents use the mug I stole from IHOP on a regular basis.
That they don't mind when I drink out of the carton.
That the walls of my room are covered in amazingness - Renoir, Van Gogh, Shakespeare, London, and of course the wall of boys on my closet door.
That Matt Damon's favorite word is c*nt. Totally making me rethink that word.
That it's raining like heck, and we had to run to the car after the movies tonight. Exhilaration.
That my life contains these perfect little movie moments.
Driving fast, with a good song playing LOUDLY.

I hate:

Not having someone to share the good song with.
No closet space in my room.
That I haven't talked to my BFF in over 10 days.
My car doesn't work properly.
That I continue to obsess over Sam when things haven't been good between us for a few weeks. (Almost a month)
That I remember everything - every glance, every stupid comment, everything good and bad.

Here's a love/hate relationship: the fact that sometimes my life feels too much like a movie, that sometimes I feel like things aren't real. But then again, I like that because it allows me to walk around with less cares, and not flip out as much.

Where are you?

2007-12-27T21:28:50Z

I'm having a little angst today. It's been building over the past week, and surprisingly it has nothing to do with my family, or home. It's my best friend. I haven't spoken to her in over 9 days, and I realize now that we're both home from school we're playing catch-up back home, but we used to always find time for each other. And now I'm reaching out, and she never responds. I sent her a long ass email the other day and still no response. I haven't even heard an "I've been really busy but I'm still alive" message. And the thing is that this happens on every break! It's like she goes home, hangs out with her boyfriend, and completely forgets about me. But when she was at school, we'd talk every night, and most days. And it sucks because even though I'm far away, I feel like I'm still playing second fiddle to her BF. And I shouldn't be. Not to call seniority or anything, but I've known her since 6th grade, and they've known each other since August. Bullcrap, is what it is. And I miss her, but everytime I say that, no response.

UGH. What do you do when reciprocation stops? Are humans incapable of multi-tasking when it comes to relationships? I'm not asking for all or nothing, I'm just asking for something.

My house is not a home.

2007-12-25T05:38:31Z

I really wish this post weren't happening on Christmas, but I have to write.

I'm so angry right now. Honestly, I'm irate. Every time I look around my room, or venture into my closet, I get upset. Because this room is not mine. Not anymore. The stuff in my closet is either things from other rooms, or items that used to have a place in mine, but my mother decided to shove it in my closet. I don't understand how she had time to rearrange my entire room, and take out a table and chair, and move my bookshelf in my closet, and yet didn't have enough time to take the bags of clothes in the hallway to Goodwill. It makes me SO MAD that she moved around all my stuff and I can't even unpack my suitcases. Basically I can't LIVE in my room anymore. She changed my bedspread, my shelves of mementos, and rearranged, and I'm sick of it. Starting TOMORROW I am cleaning out this place and making it my room again. And when I leave, I'm LOCKING it from the inside so if she wants to get in, she's going to have to pop the lock. Period, dot, end of sentence. I'm SO pissed. And I'm painting this place. I want to paint it. And I wish it had moldings. What gave her the right to make ME a guest here? Even Mike's room is relatively unchanged, and he's been gone for a year more than I have.

Fuck it. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I'm reclaiming starting tomorrow.

One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years...

2007-12-24T17:02:37Z

This was my week, in an email to Sarah Reid:

I figured since we haven't been talking much lately, since we've both been so busy, that we should reinstate the emails for a little while. Here's my break so far:

On Tuesday, I looked really cute in the airport. I wore my booties and grey skinny jeans, and a black shirt layered with a teal tank - it was cute. I even got up early to do my hair! And that meant getting up at 5:30. Yeah, that's commitment my friend. Anyhow, by the time I even GOT to the Columbia airport, my feet hurt. But oh well, since I looked cute. I sucked it up, and flew to Atlanta. Which reminded me that I really want to go to Atlanta and see the darn place, and go to a Braves game and the CNN building, etc, etc. I don't know if I told you any of this - when was the last time we talked? Anyhow, my aunt was flying home from Hawaii that day, and we were in Atlanta at the same time, so we met up and had coffee and went our separate ways. Then we flew into Dulles. I could actually see the mall AND our favorite Starbucks from the sky. Never thought there would be so much to miss about Woodbridge! Then mom bought me some lunch and I got home, hauled my crap up to my (clean!) room. Then five minutes later I left. Haha.

I went to the school to watch One-Act Play Rehearsal. The minute I walked into that school I saw a million people I knew. But I definitely felt out of place, like there's no room for me at that school any more. It's really odd to try to rekindle friendships, especially since I didn't talk to most of these people the entire time I've been gone. So after that me and SJ and Christina went to Starbucks, then dinner at this local restaurant called Armettas. Then the choir concert was that night. I never realized how freaking LONG those concerts are! But when Troubs went up to sing Carol of the Bells with us alumni, that was awesome. That song is just so amazing. I missed the rest of Troubs performance because the former troubs were all out in the hallway talking and catching up. After the concert I talked to like a squillion people, and then went home at the respectable hour of 9:30. Haha.

The next day I pretty much just stayed home, except for a few errands in the morning, like mailing your present, eating Chipotle, and buying gift cards for peeps. On Thursday, me and mom drove up to that theatre where you and I saw Pirates 3, and saw Atonement, which was all kinds of amazing. Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory, and I had the Godiva cheesecake. SOOOO effing good.

Friday I had planned a dinner at my gifted teachers house - she's Caribbean, so she cooked all this fabulous food for us. And it was so great to have stimulating conversation again. That was one of the best nights home so far. Good company, good food and good conversation. And people I actually cared about seeing.

SATURDAY AND SUNDAY. About the best days of my little life. Early Saturday we drove in Chinatown in DC to catch our bus. It left around 8 and we got to NYC by noon. And the bus was only $40 round trip. Anyhow, we were dropped off in Madison Square Garden. We walked a bit to Times Square and saw the MTV store and TRL studios (not like we really cared), went in the giant Toys R Us, saw the Macy's Christmas windows, the Hershey store, all the jumbotrons. It was such a bombardment of sounds and lights.

Our hotel was a few blocks away so we walked there and put our stuff down. Then we walked to Rockefeller Centre and saw the Christmas tree!! And the ice skaters. That was amazing - like quintessential New York City. Then we saw the NBC store so of course we had to stop in! They had an entire Office section, and an SNL, Friends, Heroes - basically any NBC show you could think of. Next time I go to NYC, I have to take the studio tour. Ooh, also while walking around we saw the David Letterman show sign. Next we saw Radio City Music Hall. After all this we walked back to hotel to rest our feet. We watched a couple hours of the Discovery channel. =P

Then we had to meet the Jones' cousin who is in the show for dinner. We were going to go to this place called Juniors, but the wait was too long, so we went to this little restaurant/bar called Social. I had a really yummy burger and famazing fries. We asked their cousin if Matt Damon was ever at the show, since Jennifer Garner leads to Ben Affleck, which leads to Matt and OMG he said Matt was there FRIDAY NIGHT. Grrrrrr. And according to my fave celeb gossip site ONTD, he was there Saturday too. In the city, not at the show that is. So we walked to the theatre, and saw a ton of other signs for shows like Spamalot, Mamma Mia, The Little Mermaid, WICKED, just tons of them.

The show was really fab, except for Jennifer Garner. Kevin Kline as Cyrano de Bergerac was so wonderful! And I never realized what great lines that show has - but then again I have never seen it. So after the show we were supposed to meet up with their cousin. He told us to go to the stage door and find Jimmy and tell him who we were. There was a big crowd already at the door, so Mr. Jones yelled to this guy "Are you Jimmy?" and he was, and then we got to walk through the crowd and go backstage! It felt so cool, like everyone was wondering who are they?! We went through the stairs backstage and ended up onstage, which was awesome. I mean we were on a broadway stage! And me and my friend SJ looked around and marveled at the prop table, and the scenery. Then their cousin came out, and we met one guy from the show. We didn't meet Kevin Kline or Jennifer, but I didn't really mind. We walked back to the hotel and INSTANTLY crashed.

The next morning we had some Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and then left for the subway. We rode the Subway to Central Park. There was a little Christmas market set up, so we looked around their for a bit. Santa was there, and in typical New York fashion, he was promoting a book called "When Santa Turned Green", a picture book about the environment. Anyhow, he gave us directions to FAO Schwartz, so once we walked around the park a bit, and saw the ice rink, we found FAO. We got pictures with the Toy Soldiers out front, and then went inside, saw the giant piano from Big and shopped a bit. FAO was SO much nicer than Toys R Us. Plus we were on the Upper East Side. What could be better. Then we looked at the windows of Bergdorf Goodman - which I've decided once I get some doggies, I'm going to name them Bergdorf and Goodman. Ha!

Then we took the Subway back, went to the hotel to get our stuff since it was checkout time, then we went to this place called Papaya and had some amazing hot dogs for lunch. After that we took the subway all the way to the Staten Island Ferry, took that out so we could see the Statue of Liberty, then took it straight back. We got off the Ferry and walked to Ground Zero which is literally a hole in the ground, but still really fascinating to see. Then we had to start the LONG walk to Chinatown to catch the bus back to DC. It was about a mile of walking - with all that crap in my bag. But we made it, hopped on the bus and away we went. We were back to DC around 10:15, and I was home by midnight. New York was just amazing, spectacular, fabulous, and I cannot wait to go back. Hopefully with TOI.

Love you dearly. I am currently wrapping Christmas presents for people, then I have to go out and buy another for my dad. Hope you have a fab Christmas! Write back soon! Au revoir.

Love, Lizzie

"Would there be a National Christmas tree if our president were Jewish?"

2007-12-20T04:30:22Z

I smile because I am home.

Got home around 1:30 yesterday. And by got home, I mean I was in my HOUSE at 1:30. My plane landed at 11:50. That shows you how bastardly traffic is around here, but oh well because I am HOME!

Last night was the Winter Choir Concert. I have never missed singing so much in my life. It felt amazing to be back in that auditorium, and hell, on stage, singing Carol of the Bells and the Irish Blessing. The words of the Irish Blessing struck me last night - they go "May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again may God hold you in the palm of his hand. Amen." And then the seniors left for college, and now we're all back, and the road did rise up, and God held us and kept us safe until we met again, which was last night. I had always thought of that song as a Goodbye, and last night it felt like a Welcome Home. Something else also occurred to me last night, about Hylton. We are really an amazingly diverse school, and very accepting. I was thinking of my group of friends and how we're all so different. That we run in different circles, do different things, go to different schools and have different religious and family backgrounds, yet somehow we all come together and it makes sense. I'm friends with so many different types of people, and that's a true testament to how accepting Hylton really is. Of course, I didn't realize this at the time, but now that it's hit me, I can't believe how lucky we are... It also could be a sign of how comfortable and confident we are. We can all go out on our own, and pursue what we love without outside pressures. We just are. We don't try to conform, or hide our opinions and thoughts.

On another note however, walking into that school again - I felt so tall. The whole place just felt small and insignificant. Being away from there for so long made me realize how much of a bubble it was. But when you're in HS, it's the only thing that really matters. That's definitely how I felt at the time, but now things are different, and it would probably not be good to have this attitude DURING HS.

Tomorrow me and my mother are seeing Atonement, then going to The Cheesecake Factory. I cannot WAIT to see this film, you have no idea.

Today me and SJ went downtown. We finally got up the energy to walk the monuments, and I'm really glad we did. DC is such a beautiful town. Even on this gloomy day it looked wonderful. And I took a ton of pictures. I'm really trying to be more artistic with my picture taking. And I've also started to really watch commercials, and look at logos and designs. I'm still not sure if visual communication is where I want to be, since I haven't had much practice, but it's definitely something I'm interested in.

In other news, my GPA is 3.9. I got 4 A's and one B+ this semester. I'm very happy with that too. Next semester though is going to be harder, I can feel it. But I'm ready. This was a good warm up semester, but next year I really need to get back to reading and writing. I've been trying to read more lately. I read three books for fun this semester, which is probably more that I read in all of senior year. I read Anderson Cooper's bio, Prep for the 3rd time and now I'm reading Atonement. Ok, so I guess I only read 2 throughout the semester, but I'm working on Atonement now.

Which leads me to New Year's resolutions:
Get into a gym routine.
Read more.
Go to church every week.

My amazon.com orders came today, so I have to send Sarah's present out tomorrow. It'll be a morning of errands. I need to do that, get the rest of Christina's gift, and hit up Starbucks, of course.

New York City in two days. SO EXCITED.

This was my day.

2007-12-16T06:15:24Z

So my alarm went off at 8, and after a terrible night's sleep, I was actually happy to get out of my bed, seeing as how the last 7 hours spent laying in it were a complete waste. I showered, blow dried my hair for once, and threw on an outfit. I also decided to wear cute underwear, which was a good choice. Sarah was right - wearing cute underwear, and knowing it, makes you feel better all day.

I took my sweet time getting ready, because I forgot that my final for my 9:05 class started at 9am. Just five minutes, but still. Meredith texted me and was like "WHERE ARE YOU", so I rushed out. The classroom was full, like always, but my seat was saved. Thank goodness. I really am going to miss our little stats group. Meredith, Me, Meredith (II), Juliette, Erin, Jarid. Every morning doing the sudokus and crossword puzzles. So I breeze through the final, finish in less than 30 mins. I'm the second person to turn it in, and then, since it's Saturday and Gibbes is closed for breakfast, I walked to the Russell House to eat at Einstein Bagels. Too bad it was CLOSED too. So I couldn't use my meal plan, went to Starbucks instead, had a plain bagel and cream cheese, and a Caffe Americano. I also called my mother inbetween this time to tell her I had finished yet another exam.

I get back to the dorm, eat, and Jill returns from her exam (very late I might add, she probably had trouble - HA!) I started on my mix CD for Jen. Sam left and it started to feel very lonely around here. I hate how that boy has affected me this semester. And it was really only in the past couple of weeks. After that I sold my books, got $116.25 for them. So now I have cash to go home with. I had lunch, got pretty (straightened hair, makeup), then took a nap.

I woke up and talked to Susan and Amy, and ended up getting a ride to and from journalism out of it. Thank goodness, because it was really rainy out today. So we left at 4:45 for the exam, got there and Jen and Grace sat next to me, so more good socializing. Then Keith came in, and he always sits next to me. I'm going to miss the journalism group too. Keith, me, Brian and Michelle. The test was at 5:30 and we were back in Susan's car by 6:03. It was surprisingly easy. Everyone who walked out of that exam looked around and asked "was that really as easy as I thought?" Susan dropped me off at the dorm since they had to go somewhere else.

I went to get food right away and ran into Charley Ann and Tara, they were getting food before Gibbes closed FOR GOOD this semester and then they were going to work out for a few hours. I had nothing better to do, so I decided to go along. It was still raining out, so we had to do a lot of dashing through parking lots. We got there and played racquetball for 45 minutes, then I used the arc trainer for 30, and biked for 20. I was pretty proud of myself! And it just feels so good to exercise, and not be sitting around on a Saturday night. Once we got back, Meredith came upstairs to buy my sports psych and sport management books. I still needed one of them since my sports psych exam is on Monday, but I gave her three of them, and got more MONIES. Yay! We ended up chatting for like an hour and a half, and also decided to make some plans over break. I really wish we could live together next year, but we did promise to party together! Haha.

After that I went to Chuck's room, and we watched the end of The Notebook, then played Life.

Now I'm here, in my empty room, no roommates or suitemates. I have one exam left in the semester. Then I'm out of here on Tuesday morning, bright and early. I can't wait to go home, but looking over today, I had TONS of good socializing, and I'm really proud of how I've adjusted to this place. I need to finish Jen's Christmas present since she's leaving tomorrow, and then I need to go to bed.

A little (Okay, a lot) frustrated today.

2007-12-13T17:40:11Z

So last night I set my alarm for 11:11 today. I thought it would be cute, and nice to wake up on the day of my first final at a lucky time. Well no, of course that plan was foiled because stupid Jill set her alarm for 11am. And she didn't even get up then! What the hell. So I'm laying in bed until I hear my alarm. And I then I get up. I'm standing at the sink, about to go into the bathroom and all of a sudden Jill pops out of bed and strolls to the bathroom. I literally stood there with a WTF look on my face. Wasn't it obvious I was about to do that? You weren't even AWAKE you stupid bitch. Anyhow, I decided to brush my teeth instead.

Then I check my email. I got one from Barnes and Nobles, they had a 25% off online coupon. I decided that was pretty good so I went on their site to do all my Christmas shopping that I've been putting off. So I add all the stuff to my cart and go to checkout. I log in only to find that the price they were showing me was the MEMBERS price, and my membership is expired, so instead of paying $111 it was $214! I couldn't believe it. Even with my 25% off it would still be more than if I ordered on Amazon. So I wasted time on that.

Then I got another email from my adviser and GUESS WHAT. Apparently my fucking AP scores still have not gotten here. Either the records office is retarded, or my adviser can't find them, or fucking AP didn't resend them. Whatever happened, I'm fucking LIVID because I thought I settled this problem over two months ago. I have until Jan 4 to settle this, otherwise she kicks me out of the class I need my AP credit for, for prereqs. But it shouldn't even be a problem. And that's what pissed me off the most.

Last night was fun though. Michelle picked me up around 5 and we went to Walmart to buy food for the party. Then we went back to her apartment and baked, listened to Spice Girls (and Mr. Hanky, haha) and generally had a fun time. The boys came over around 7:30, then we watched the Kid Nation finale at 8. It was a little underwhelming, but I'm going to miss that show every week. After that we were going to play Apples to Apples, but Michelle only had the junior version, so we went over to Katie's house (Matt's girlfriend) to play. It was tons of fun. She just lives with her sister, and she has the cutest house. I wish I had that - or a Manhattan apartment of course, but c'est la vie. Then we played Mario Party. I got back to the dorm around 1am, thinking Jill would be asleep. But no. As soon as I put my key in the door, she came out of Sam's room next door. Ughhh. I'm sick of her running around pretending to be cooler than me. Ha. So I just bummed it in here, because I'm not about to go next door and act like Rock Band amuses me for the next hour. I got really tired around 2:30, so I went to sleep.

And now here we are.

A few little notes/thoughts:
I hate my roommate.
I have my first final at 2pm today.
I am totally not in the money spending mood, and until I get there, no Christmas presents for anybody.
I bought a polaroid camera last night. Stupid polaroid film is so expensive! But I love the look you get with it.
I'm actually a little pissed that I'm going to miss the Iowa Democratic debate, because I'll be mid final.

And that is all. A real update for once, no?

The lonelier side of the jealousy stick...

2007-12-10T00:54:52Z

I have said many times that Prep is my favorite book in the world. And it will probably continue to be for many years to come. Every time I read it, I’m in a different stage of life, and I get something different out of it. Today it was the last page that struck me the most. After four years at Ault School, after living in a bubble, filled with rich kids and flowered bedspreads, Lee steps off the T in Boston in rush hour and wonders “what have all these people been doing the past four years?” And now we’re in college, and I look around in amazement as I wonder, “where have you been the past four years? How did we all end up here?” But honestly, I can’t wait to walk out into the real world, to get off the subway or the metro, and look around at everyone living his or her own lives and wonder, “who are you?” And be genuinely interested, and amazed at the multitude of people, the billions of different lives that have always been, that I am now a part of. It’s amazing. It’s funny that I write this today, since a few days ago I wrote about how I have trouble imagining people outside of the setting where I met them.

The only thing more emotional and amazing than watching your whole life fall apart at the seams, is watching God put it back together again. And it’s happened to me twice. God has really been teaching me patience over the past few months. Not only in big things (BIG, HORRIFYING, LIFE CHANGING THINGS), but also in silly stupid things, like losing my jacket and finding it three weeks later, once I finally stopped looking. But prayer works, you just have to be patient. And God speaks to you in the most interesting ways. I love it.

Another thought. I have a real problem with the word ‘mutual’. Not the word itself, just the concept behind it. Defined as: “directed by each toward the other or the others”, “having the same feelings one for the other,” “shared in common”. Never have I experienced this. Mutual feelings. I’ve always struggled for balance, even between characters in my stories, and conflict arises when characters are out of balance. The boy doesn’t do enough for the girl, the friend never feels appreciated, give and take, take and give, isn’t that the main idea of the world? Anyhow, mutuality. I like people, and people like me, but never at the same time, or with the same idea in mind. And if I could just get the balance right, things would work out. But it’s something you can’t control, so maybe I’m just unlucky. Maybe my standards are too high. But that’s what I’ve been struggling with lately, that’s what I’ve been praying about. Because sometimes I look around me and wonder why some people are worth dating and I’m not. On the other hand, I feel like I would be a shit girlfriend, because I’m so used to my independence. But maybe that independence comes off as indifference. I think not being a clingy, suffucator of a girlfriend is a good thing, but some people NEED to feel needed. I don’t know.

The other day, while waiting to walk over to the Christmas Party, my bible study girls and I sat in the lobby of Capstone, and a guy sat down next to me and asked why we were all dressed up, and where we were going. I said we were going to a party for Bible study. Then more people arrived and I brought up the fact that I forgot to get something for the gift exchange. But that it was the thought that counted, and what good are material things anyway, as long as the thought of Merry Christmas is there. And the guy said, you’d make a good girlfriend; he said I wouldn’t get mad if the BF didn’t get me a present for our anniversary, etc. No one ever told me I’d make a good girlfriend before. Of course, I feel like I would (except for the independence thing, which I don’t really view as a problem), but no one else has said it. And it’s not like I wanted to date THIS guy all of a sudden, but he talked to me, and told ME that, and it made me feel good that someone could find a dateable quality in me.

Anyhow, all this made me think about Jill, my roomie, who isn’t even WITH her boyfriend anymore, and yet they talk on the phone all the time, and sometimes I overhear her, “what are you getting me for Christmas”, or “since you’re getting a job next semester you can buy me a nice birthday present”. Is that all she wants out of relationships/friendships? Possessions? The ability to say, “he’s my boyfriend”? It’s like a status thing and it’s ridiculous. And she doesn’t appreciate those around her. ( This is kind of a tangent, but in the first few weeks of school, I invited her to Bible Study, and she didn’t go. And she didn’t go for weeks. When she finally started to go, she acted all high and mighty about it, like it was her own idea. And when she finally gave herself to Jesus, in her testimony, she didn’t even mention me, she said someone else had invited her to Bible Study. Needless to say, I felt slighted. She’s such an inconsiderate, selfish person.)

So more and more I feel like I’m ready, but God keeps sending different people into my life that like me, and different people in my life that I like. They never match up, so I never do anything about it. Because I don’t want to settle. I want someone who I like, who likes me back, who lets me breathe, but still wants to be with me, and I with him. Why hasn’t this ever come close the past 18 years?

I wrote a poem.

2007-12-06T04:23:03Z

Remember that time when we drove in my car.
And stopped at the red light to take pictures?
Oh, we drove so far.

With British accents, we spoke.
With fake cigarettes, we smoked.
Then we ordered designer coffee.
And drove back to class.